News Flash! The Ned Stark executed in Season One was an impostor. Yes, ladies, Sean Bean and his Impressive Weapon are back!
Cersei slaps Joffrey silly, pushes him out a window (she got the idea from Jaime), and takes the Iron Throne for herself. Tywin approves but wonders why he didn’t do it. Maybe Cersei is smarter than he thought.
Podrick’s defloration scene involves copious details of his woman-pleasing skills. By popular demand, Podrick starts giving weekend seminars on sexual technique for men.
Tywin (Charles Dance) has a shirtless scene. And lots more scenes with those crazy thigh boots.
The Hound returns to Sansa, his first love, kidnaps and ravishes her (with her enthusiastic participation). They settle down in a darling little cottage in the woods.
Tyrion invents Westeros’ first vibrator, and we get to hear him talk dirty in that luscious voice of his.
Robb and Talisa survive the Red Wedding, but Pappa Stark is none too pleased to discover how his son has bungled affairs in the North. “Sorry lad,” says Ned, “but I’m sending you to Tyrion until your dialogue improves.”
Theon Greyjoy’s member remains firmly attached to his body (Ramsay Snow being quite the lad for a practical joke). It turns out that those rumors about Theon are true…
In a Clash of the Titans-style subplot, we finally learn the true identity of the mysterious Game of Thrones gods.
Littlefinger is made a sex slave in his own brothel. He discovers his sensitive side. We discover that his Finger is larger than expected.
After Daenerys catches a glimpse of Jorah Mormont bathing in a river, one thing leads to another. Later, she learns that Unsullied commander Grey Worm is actually NOT a eunuch.
Roose Bolton has more scenes… and we see a lot more of him (It turns out that the Dreadfort is actually Castle Anthrax).
The cave scene with Jon and Ygritte features a fully-clothed Ygritte savoring the sight of Jon’s amazing abs. But wait! There’s more!
Left smoldering after Jon Snow reverts to Crow-ism, Ygritte investigates Mance Rayder’s mysterious Horn of Winter. They end up lighting the Biggest Fire the North Has Ever Seen.
Mance has many more scenes, in some of which he plays the lute and sings for the pleasure of the ladies.
Shireen Baratheon falls in love with the Onion Knight and decides she’s going to marry him when she grows up. She rescues him from prison, then becomes a warrior princess and kicks Melisandre’s arse into next week.
Bumbling Edmure Tully never makes it to the Twins for his scheduled wedding but gets lost and wanders aimlessly until he meets Osha, who has abandoned her own storyline because it was too boring. Osha takes him in hand, so to speak.
When she tires of his nincompoopery, Osha leaves Brutus (oops, I mean Edmure!) with Walder Frey, who is by now furious at his tardiness. He is forced to marry the smallest, ugliest Frey daughter.
Jaime and Brienne give in to their mutual passion. In Season Four, we discover that Jaime’s golden body parts are by no means limited to his hair and his prosthetic hand.
And lastly, (you saw this coming, didn’t you?) The show is re-named Game of Bones.