, , , , , , , , ,

News Flash! The Ned Stark executed in Season One was an impostor. Yes, ladies, Sean Bean and his Impressive Weapon are back!

Ned Stark: the biggest sword in Westeros. Click for source (Fanpop).

Cersei slaps Joffrey silly, pushes him out a window (she got the idea from Jaime), and takes the Iron Throne for herself. Tywin approves but wonders why he didn’t do it. Maybe Cersei is smarter than he thought.

“Joffrey was just begging for an ass-kicking, and with all these macho men around, I’M the one who has to deliver it???”

Podrick’s defloration scene involves copious details of his woman-pleasing skills. By popular demand, Podrick starts giving weekend seminars on sexual technique for men.

Podrick is just FULL of surprises. Click for source. Photo by Christine Hayter.

Tywin (Charles Dance) has a shirtless scene. And lots more scenes with those crazy thigh boots.


Like this one, from “Michael Collins.” ‘Nuff said. Screencap by Linnet.

Quelles bottes, Tywin! Maester, you can go home now.

The Hound returns to Sansa, his first love, kidnaps and ravishes her (with her enthusiastic participation). They settle down in a darling little cottage in the woods.

Sandy and Sansa, 2gether 4ever! Click for source.

Tyrion invents Westeros’ first vibrator, and we get to hear him talk dirty in that luscious voice of his.


“A Lannister always keeps spare batteries on hand.”

Robb and Talisa survive the Red Wedding, but Pappa Stark is none too pleased to discover how his son has bungled affairs in the North. “Sorry lad,” says Ned, “but I’m sending you to Tyrion until your dialogue improves.” 

“I love you. Do you hear me? I LOVE you.”


“Umm, could you send him to Podrick’s seminar too?”

Theon Greyjoy’s member remains firmly attached to his body (Ramsay Snow being quite the lad for a practical joke). It turns out that those rumors about Theon are true…

“Do I get severance pay?”

In a Clash of the Titans-style subplot, we finally learn the true identity of the mysterious Game of Thrones gods.

“The ‘One True God,’ eh, Hiddleston? What are you doing in this show? You’re not in the HBO pantheon!” (Click for ciaranhinds.eu’s Rome page)

“Aww, come on, Ciarán… I was only making a bit of mischief with the mortals. Don’t send me to Tartarus again. It’s dark and full of terrors!”

Littlefinger is made a sex slave in his own brothel. He discovers his sensitive side. We discover that his Finger is larger than expected. 


“We love a man with a big, juicy prawn!”

After Daenerys catches a glimpse of Jorah Mormont bathing in a river, one thing leads to another. Later, she learns that Unsullied commander Grey Worm is actually NOT a eunuch.

“There is a beast in every man and it stirs when you… ehhm… when you do that!”

“Let’s sully ourselves, shall we?”

Roose Bolton has more scenes… and we see a lot more of him (It turns out that the Dreadfort is actually Castle Anthrax).


“And here in Castle Anthrax, we have but one punishment for setting alight the grail-shaped beacon!”

“Have you been lighting that beacon again? You naughty, naughty girls! I can see I’m going to have to punish you severely!”

The cave scene with Jon and Ygritte features a fully-clothed Ygritte savoring the sight of Jon’s amazing abs. But wait! There’s more!

“Guess what ladies? It’s time for the Full Monty! Where’s my Hot Chocolate CD?”

“You know nothing, Grasshopper! But you have a certain raw aptitude. I shall be your tutrix.”

Left smoldering after Jon Snow reverts to Crow-ism, Ygritte investigates Mance Rayder’s mysterious Horn of Winter. They end up lighting the Biggest Fire the North Has Ever Seen.

“Right about now I could really use a Woman With Some Tempura Cheese-Stuffed Hot Chiles…”

Mance has many more scenes, in some of which he plays the lute and sings for the pleasure of the ladies.


“Sorry Jonny Boy, but all the Wildling Wimmen belong to me!”

Shireen Baratheon falls in love with the Onion Knight and decides she’s going to marry him when she grows up. She rescues him from prison, then becomes a warrior princess and kicks Melisandre’s arse into next week.

“I am Davos Seaworth, the Onion Knight. Taste my savory goodness.”

Bumbling Edmure Tully never makes it to the Twins for his scheduled wedding but gets lost and wanders aimlessly until he meets Osha, who has abandoned her own storyline because it was too boring. Osha takes him in hand, so to speak. 

“I will drain your precious bodily fluids and leave you a quivering shell, but you’ll still be more of a man than you are now.”

When she tires of his nincompoopery, Osha leaves Brutus (oops, I mean Edmure!) with Walder Frey, who is by now furious at his tardiness. He is forced to marry the smallest, ugliest Frey daughter.

(He lifts the veil) “Ugh! I wish I was back in Rome!”

“You were expecting Miley Cyrus?”

Jaime and Brienne give in to their mutual passion. In Season Four, we discover that Jaime’s golden body parts are by no means limited to his hair and his prosthetic hand.

“Bad news Bree. I lost my right hand, so we’ll have to use the vibrator.”

Screen Shot 2014-04-07 at 7.36.39 PM

I’m… so sexy it hurts.

And lastly, (you saw this coming, didn’t you?) The show is re-named Game of Bones.