Russian Spy Agency Flooded With Applicants

MOSCOW (CH news) The Russian Foreign Intelligence Service, the country’s main spy agency, was reportedly overwhelmed with applicants after it hired Alexei Zyuganov to direct its espionage school for women. Although the elusive Mr. Zyuganov promotes a repellent public image of himself as a diminutive, malevolent, “poisonous dwarf,” word spread online that he actually looks and behaves a lot like handsome, six-foot-plus Game of Thrones actor Ciarán Hinds.

Appearing in a CGI holographic projection designed to conceal his identity, Zyuganov testily deplored the leaks about the classified “Red Sparrow” program which purportedly will train female spies in techniques of seduction. “This isn’t an Austin Powers movie,” he said, exasperated. “And besides, we already have all the fembots—that is, all the applicants we need.”

Despite the statement, hordes of eager women congregated outside the back door of FIS headquarters in Moscow, waving 8 X 10 photos, Playbill programs, Sharpie permanent markers, and boxes of chocolate. “It’s definitely Ciarán,” said one. “I would know that voice anywhere.” Most said that they planned to apply for a place in the program, citing the prospect of erotic lessons from the mellow-voiced Zyuganov as irresistible. Amused by the uproar, Russian President Vladimir Putin joked that he wanted to “exchange jobs and hair” with Zyuganov.

Former President Nemerov, meanwhile, read a statement saying that Zyuganov has his full support and that he himself plans to contribute Russian language lessons to the curriculum. When challenged regarding his motives for participation, he shrugged and said, “These days, better to appear guilty than impotent.”

According to unconfirmed reports, the Red Sparrow program previously involved training in firearms, explosives and radioactive poisons, but the focus has shifted to Guinness Appreciation, how to select a really good Bordeaux, and a book discussion group featuring the novels of Joseph O’Connor.