Normally I confine my blogging to Beautiful Men (and avoid politics entirely), but I must share with you my theory about Donald Trump: he’s a hoax perpetrated by the world’s comedians.
As a target for satire, President Obama has been a huge disappointment. Therefore these conspirators were forced to act, taking over the “Trump” brand to exploit its rich comic potential. BBC personality Jeremy Hardy immediately cashed in by pointing out on Radio 4 that Republican voters favor a man “whose face looks like a startled anus.”
It is a little-known fact, you see, that the real Donald Trump died in late 2014 due to a rare illness which caused his body to become bloated with methane. The poor man suffocated when the malodorous gas backed up into his lungs. Then someone lit a match and, well…. He was the Mr. Creosote of greenhouse gas.
The conspirators had already tested their strategy in 2008, when Tina Fey engineered the kidnapping of Alaska governor Sarah Palin and took her place in order to boost late-night talk show ratings. The real Sarah Palin was secreted in the stacks of the New York Public Library, where no Republicans will ever look. Without access to guns or cosmetics, she’s a different woman altogether, and has even made her way through Dr. Seuss’ Beginner Book Collection, starting with Hop on Pop.
So who’s inside the Donald Trump costume, you ask? I think it’s Jon Stewart. I mean, isn’t it kind of suspicious that he retired from The Daily Show in Feb. 2015, and Trump announced his candidacy only four months later? But the strategy may be backfiring, because Stewart just can’t resist the temptation to make “Trump” funnier than the comedians themselves. For example, here is what Jimmy Kimmel had to say about Trump:
“Donald Trump insists that he’s going to run for President. I guess he figures if he can pull off that hairstyle, he can do anything.”
Pretty lame, eh? Now take a look at some of Stewart/Trump’s fine work:
“I could stand in the middle of Fifth Avenue and shoot somebody, and I wouldn’t lose any voters, OK? It’s like, incredible.”
“Oftentimes when I was sleeping with one of the top women in the world, I would say to myself… can you believe what I am getting?”
“My Twitter has become so powerful that I can actually make my enemies tell the truth.”
“Part of the beauty of me is that I’m very rich.”
[on his daughter Ivanka] “She does have a very nice figure. If [she] weren’t my daughter, perhaps I’d be dating her.”
Very clever, Mister Stewart! But you gave yourself away with this one:
“…Jon Stewart is a joke, not very bright and totally overrated… some losers and haters will miss him and his dumb clown humor. Too bad!”
For the Trump quotes and their sources see this page.
See, this post really did turn out to be about a Beautiful Man… and if Trump wins, won’t all those Trumpitts be surprised when he takes off his fake head and reveals his true identity?
And here is Beautiful Man Jeremy Hardy for good measure!