Grand Pabbie the Troll King had his fifteen minutes of fame in the movie Frozen, but on a recent trip abroad, I discovered that he was unable to get more work as an actor after the Disney gig. Given his shamanic magical powers, he had hoped his agent would snag him a Yoda-like part in the upcoming Star Wars movie, but apparently the Disney people are shying away from cute animated characters after the Jar Jar Binks fiasco.
So it was that upon checking into my hotel in London, I discovered quite by accident that Pabbie had become a paid ladies’ companion, or what less charitable folk might call a gigolo. The manager of the Montcalm first wanted to employ him as a paperweight, and then as a rock in a terrarium in the lobby, but he convinced them that his good looks, dreamboat personality, sexy voice, and certain other assets of which modesty forbids mention, make him the perfect escort for lonely ladies desiring masculine company in the metropolis. As the 100,000th visitor to the hotel, I won a special Free Trial of his services.
Desk Clerk: Great news! You’ve won Three Glorious Days and Nights With Pabbie!
Linnet (slightly suspicious): Hmmph. Well, what does he look like?
Desk Clerk: Well, he has a mane, much like a lion.*
Linnet: That sounds sexy. Is he tall and muscular?
Desk Clerk (nervously): Well, not exactly… but he wears a flowing green cloak, which appears to be made of moss!
Linnet: All right. Moss is good. What else?
Desk Clerk: Well, this is a minor feature, but he is the only troll with noticeable eyebrows, on the bushy side, and they match the color of his mane.
Linnet: Bushy eyebrows, eh? He sounds a little long in the tooth. But I like older men.
Desk Clerk (excitedly): Good! Because Pabbie is also the only troll with hair in his ears!
Linnet: (resignedly) I see. Anything else I should know?
Desk Clerk: He likes naps.
*Descriptions of Pabbie are taken from the Disney Wiki.
When I arrived at the room, Pabbie was indeed waiting. On the bed. He immediately directed my attention to his business card.
Linnet: Gosh, Grand Pabbie, you’re not very tall for a gigolo.
Pabbie: Don’t kvetch, darling. Who were you expecting, Chewbacca?
No, we didn’t “meet cute,” but as it turns out, a lady could hardly have a handier companion than Grand Pabbie.
He turned out to be quite knowledgeable about Amsterdam, though he’s very opinionated. When I made the mistake of ordering a bottle of Duvel, he lectured me for ten minutes on my foolishness in not ordering a local beer on tap. After that I bowed to his superior wisdom.
After we Got To Know one another Better (heh, heh), Pabbie let his guard down and confided in me his struggles finding work as an actor. He said his dream was to work with Emma Stone or Chris Rock. I had to break the news that they aren’t actually trolls. Then he asked me review his resumé, which looks like this:
If you’re wondering what on earth “Alignment” is, I can’t go into much detail but let’s just say it’s a Troll sex thing. Originally the resumé included a list of his “Turn-ons” and “Turn-offs” (à la the Playmate of the Month) but I convinced him to change them to a more sedate set of “Likes” and “Dislikes.” In real life Pabbie is a tiny, tyrannical Christian Grey with a dash of Groucho. But for public consumption, it’s “Family Values Pabbie” all the way!
Soon I realized that Grand Pabbie was barking up the wrong tree with this acting thing. As a Troll King with great shamanic powers, his true calling is Sexual Healing.
Being a male, he has his foibles. Sometimes I have to rein him in. Amsterdam is a city of many pleasures, but I told him no pot or prostitutes. If he was going to be with me, he’d have to settle for Heineken, bitterballen (not a sex thing) and oud kaas.
He was a little disgruntled at first, but he liked the bitterballen part. In fact some of his best friends are bitterballen.
By the end of our brief sojourn in London and Amsterdam, we became inseparable and Grand Pabbie declared his intention to never, EVER leave my side.
We even went to see “Hamlet” together, though I forgot to get a photo of him at the show. I think he’s a little jealous of That Other Actor…