Amsterdam, Ciarán Hinds, Frozen, Grand Pabbie, humor, London, travel
Grand Pabbie the Troll King had his fifteen minutes of fame in the movie Frozen, but on a recent trip abroad, I discovered that he was unable to get more work as an actor after the Disney gig. Given his shamanic magical powers, he had hoped his agent would snag him a Yoda-like part in the upcoming Star Wars movie, but apparently the Disney people are shying away from cute animated characters after the Jar Jar Binks fiasco.
So it was that upon checking into my hotel in London, I discovered quite by accident that Pabbie had become a paid ladies’ companion, or what less charitable folk might call a gigolo. The manager of the Montcalm first wanted to employ him as a paperweight, and then as a rock in a terrarium in the lobby, but he convinced them that his good looks, dreamboat personality, sexy voice, and certain other assets of which modesty forbids mention, make him the perfect escort for lonely ladies desiring masculine company in the metropolis. As the 100,000th visitor to the hotel, I won a special Free Trial of his services.
Desk Clerk: Great news! You’ve won Three Glorious Days and Nights With Pabbie!
Linnet (slightly suspicious): Hmmph. Well, what does he look like?
Desk Clerk: Well, he has a mane, much like a lion.*
Linnet: That sounds sexy. Is he tall and muscular?
Desk Clerk (nervously): Well, not exactly… but he wears a flowing green cloak, which appears to be made of moss!
Linnet: All right. Moss is good. What else?
Desk Clerk: Well, this is a minor feature, but he is the only troll with noticeable eyebrows, on the bushy side, and they match the color of his mane.
Linnet: Bushy eyebrows, eh? He sounds a little long in the tooth. But I like older men.
Desk Clerk (excitedly): Good! Because Pabbie is also the only troll with hair in his ears!
Linnet: (resignedly) I see. Anything else I should know?
Desk Clerk: He likes naps.
*Descriptions of Pabbie are taken from the Disney Wiki.
When I arrived at the room, Pabbie was indeed waiting. On the bed. He immediately directed my attention to his business card.
Linnet: Gosh, Grand Pabbie, you’re not very tall for a gigolo.
Pabbie: Don’t kvetch, darling. Who were you expecting, Chewbacca?
No, we didn’t “meet cute,” but as it turns out, a lady could hardly have a handier companion than Grand Pabbie.
He turned out to be quite knowledgeable about Amsterdam, though he’s very opinionated. When I made the mistake of ordering a bottle of Duvel, he lectured me for ten minutes on my foolishness in not ordering a local beer on tap. After that I bowed to his superior wisdom.
After we Got To Know one another Better (heh, heh), Pabbie let his guard down and confided in me his struggles finding work as an actor. He said his dream was to work with Emma Stone or Chris Rock. I had to break the news that they aren’t actually trolls. Then he asked me review his resumé, which looks like this:
If you’re wondering what on earth “Alignment” is, I can’t go into much detail but let’s just say it’s a Troll sex thing. Originally the resumé included a list of his “Turn-ons” and “Turn-offs” (à la the Playmate of the Month) but I convinced him to change them to a more sedate set of “Likes” and “Dislikes.” In real life Pabbie is a tiny, tyrannical Christian Grey with a dash of Groucho. But for public consumption, it’s “Family Values Pabbie” all the way!
Soon I realized that Grand Pabbie was barking up the wrong tree with this acting thing. As a Troll King with great shamanic powers, his true calling is Sexual Healing.
Being a male, he has his foibles. Sometimes I have to rein him in. Amsterdam is a city of many pleasures, but I told him no pot or prostitutes. If he was going to be with me, he’d have to settle for Heineken, bitterballen (not a sex thing) and oud kaas.
He was a little disgruntled at first, but he liked the bitterballen part. In fact some of his best friends are bitterballen.
By the end of our brief sojourn in London and Amsterdam, we became inseparable and Grand Pabbie declared his intention to never, EVER leave my side.
We even went to see “Hamlet” together, though I forgot to get a photo of him at the show. I think he’s a little jealous of That Other Actor…
Hilarious 🙂 …WTH are bitterballen…. I need some!
Hahaha! They are fried balls of dough that usually have meat in them, but these came in exotic flavors like coconut red pepper and spinach curry. They were surprisingly light, too.
I saw Frozen but barely remember Pabbie. Wiil have to rewatch now, see if he can rival Richard or Colin. 😉
And if he likes the Amsterdam red light district and he really is such an erotic god.. there is also a sex museum in Amsterdam he could visit or, even better, they could maybe include a picture of him in their collection!
LOL! I think his erotic exploits deserve a whole museum of their own 🙂
Love this! And relieved beyond measure that bitterballen is not a sex thing. =)
Oh my goodness, this piece is special. I love it.
I’m glad, Ellen. This one is definitely on my list of favorites.
What a pleasant 🙂 reading after a long days work! Thanks a lot!
Glad you liked it! Pabbie sends hugs 🙂
Dorothy Langman said:
Who is ‘this other #Actor? I know it’s not Benedictus Cumberley….Cumberbun~ or some #JohnnyComeLately~ I think your #Pabbie likes a drop of #IrishWhiskey….Oh, and he’s most definitely a #King.
King of Hearts 🙂 And yes, I found him in the liquor cabinet the other day.
Dozy old troll? I think not. Beautiful bitterballen loving Pabbie. I bet you he is up to no good when you are asleep.
No doubt. In fact he may be the one who finished off my stash of chocolate last night.
LOL, this is so sweet. I had actually never seen Pabbie (or Frozen, for that matter). But yes, those figurines make perfect travel companions. Hope your hubs was not completely sidelined by him, though 😉
The LSH? I think nothing can surprise him any more 🙂 He thought Pabbie’s business card was hilarious!
I am not sure about the hairs in his ears.. but i can’t see them here 🙂 And the nap.. what if he falls asleep in the middle of you know??? otherwise the perfect companion for the discerning lady me thinks! We want somebody with opinions and erm good taste (ie likes food and drink ;-))
The business card is a very clever marketing ploy! 😉
Well, to tell the truth, I’ve looked, and despite what the Disney wiki says, his ears are hairless. Maybe I have his barber to thank for that 🙂
After a certain age, males do tend to fall asleep without warning. Like babies, LOL.
Linnet, I’m a little uncomfortable sending you this email because your a wonderful writer and you seem to see everything with such depth. But I’m really interested in what you may think of my observation on Hamlet.
Sure, Lizabit, but where do I find it?