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We begin with apologies to Irving Berlin.

The prince that I marry will have to be
The owner of epic charcuterie
The prince I call my own
Will wear snug fitting knickers
And wave a big bone…

This little ditty was inspired by the new Disney film Cinderella, in which Richard Madden (better known as Robb Stark from Game of Thrones) plays Prince Charming. It seems that Mr. Madden showed up on set with a rather alarming bulge in his trousers, which he habitually referred to as “Puppy.”

Richard Madden is the Prince in Disney's live-action CINDERELLA, directed by Kenneth Branagh.

Richard Madden as Prince Charming.

Director Kenneth Branagh immediately set to work devising a way to minimize Puppy’s appearance. This was, after all, a Disney film. Meanwhile Madden was surprised at the commotion. “What’s the fuss about?” he asked. “It’s not like Puppy’s dangerous. He doesn’t bite, you know.” A variety of jock straps was put to the test, but Madden complained that Puppy was being made uncomfortable by the constraints. “Puppy’s used to his freedom,” he said. “Though I keep him close to me at all times. We’re inseparable.”

Puppy under wraps.

Indeed, Madden’s agent had managed to insert a clause into his contract calling for a very costly double indemnity in case of injury of any kind to Puppy. Branagh was thus forced to abandon his plans to put Madden in a pair of Spanx.

Finally, when all were at their wits’ end, Puppy himself saved the day by coming out to play.

Look what just came out of my pants!

NB: For the real-life circumstances which inspired this silly post, see Madden’s hilarious interview with Jimmy Kimmel.