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This evening after work, I drove home behind a Ford truck that had a pair of shiny silver testicles dangling from the bumper. Apparently these are popular accessories for today’s male truck owner. Here is genuine copy from an online testicle emporium:
- Big Discount per Unit When More Than One Set of Bulls Balls® & / or Big Boys™ are ordered!
- Trust Guard certified. Know who you are buying from. No other Truck Ball Site has this type verification.
- Shipping is calculated by the weight of your order…
From this illuminating site, I gathered that (a) the more Balls you have, the better; (b) “Truck Ball Sites” are legion; and (c) size matters.
I can understand the proliferation of Truck Ball Sites. As one of my students recently wrote, “Many men feel the need to prove they are viral.” But is this strictly a U.S. phenomenon? Or do males in other countries feel a similar need to augment and advertise their testicular fortitude?
This curious female onlooker has several additional questions about the semiotics of Big Boys, which is professor-ese for: what is a man trying to tell me when he hangs a large pair of testicles from his truck?
- The balls are hard to miss, but where’s the bat? It seems to be conspicuously absent. Is the membrum virile in question supposed to be the truck itself? Or its driver, perhaps?
- Why are only Trucks to be so adorned? Can I have a pair of these for my Honda Civic?
- Am I looking at the Twins from the front or the back? (The Long-Suffering Husband sensibly suggested that surely it is the rear view. Consider the behind of an intact male dog.)
- Well, if indeed this is the back view, Mr. Truck Driver… what are the implications if I rear-end you? Or worse, if you have an unfortunate encounter with the new Dodge Ram 1500?
- Speaking of dogs, does this mean your Doberman has Neuticles?
There’s something rather touching about this. I’ve always found it ironic that the prime symbol of masculinity also happens to be the most fragile and tender part of the male anatomy. Maybe having a pair of quail eggs made of silver metal (however base) affords a certain sense of security to our friends in the alternate universe of the Ram-Tough.
Related articles
- Talking to your kids about your balls. (sansdeferens.wordpress.com)
- Testicle-eating ‘ball-cutter’ fish could be heading for UK after being spotted in France (mirror.co.uk)
Linnet Moss 
LOL! I’ve never seen these anywhere else!!! This is… astounding… or something… the right word’ll come to me…
Ah. I had wondered whether this strange cultural phenomenon was known beyond our borders. It seems symptomatic of the bizarre machismo found in the States. But much safer (and more entertaining) than gun racks (also used to adorn trucks).
I would definitely think that the man who owned a pair of these was ‘viral’ 🙂 Linda.
Ha, ha! I suppose the more it spreads, the more we have to laugh about…
Or cry 😉
Was it this week you thought you’d never be inspired again to write humor? Seems you’re really on the ball with humor. There should be no “little o’s” hanging from your bumper when you can bat balls with the big boys with the right inspiration. If you were not vegetarian you’d want to try Rocky Mountain Oysters.
Yes, but thank goodness I AM a vegetarian!!!! Thanks for the encouragement. I nearly didn’t post that one…
Maybe men don’t understand nail polish, but I will never understand this. It’s just too funny to even think “Hey, I want one!”, much less create the product idea. This is just shy of having a penis installed as a hood ornament. But I guess there are laws on that one…I think.
And yes, Linnet, I can imagine that good ole’ boy’s got a gun rack somewhere.
There are pictures online of men sitting on the back bumper so that the “big boys” are in position. Clearly they identify somehow with the vehicle. I suspect that the truck itself is the penis… and that these guys are compensating for a sense of inadequate masculinity. Confident men don’t need an extra pair!
Bingo! I think you said it right there…the truck is the penis…or an extension of.